“Experts” exploring ancient settlements made the most staggering discovery recently when they confirmed long-held suspicions that the site was used “for ritual purposes”.
This came as a complete surprise to archeologists as it had very recently been suggested that hunter-gatherers sometimes went out to try to catch food and even needed to build shelter for when it rained. Therefore it was sheer relief that the assumptions made by university anthropologists and paleontologists had been confirmed by their peers so they could get more research funding. A university don told us “School life sets you up for life. Why think about these things for yourself when it is our job to think for you?” We can repeat it for you in the next programme until you have memorised it”.
Having found a very ancient flute in caves near Germany dating back 30,000 years to when the very first time musical instruments had been used (because one was found. D’uh!) it astonished researchers that thousands of years later hunter gatherers had been capable of stone carvings despite all the cave paintings using the rock surface in the interim. “Different medium so irrelevant” hooted the tutors. Previously, the thinking was that if it took someone 100 hours to make some crude holes in a stick that after 18,000 years it would absolutely confirm that they wouldn’t be able to make relief animal sculptures out of rock.
One man on the dig said: “preposterous to think hunter-gatherers did these sculptures in 12,000 BC. Their days were taken up with worship of animal spirits so when would they have time to create such things? Civilization was essential for this, living in an overcrowded settlement rife with disease and cramp living quarters and severe periods of near starvation to inspire such amazing work.”
Several thousands of years earlier, we were told, in fact it was just in the next century, farming had begun in earnest and people were outsourcing their very survival to imagined male deities to decide whether it would be rain or shine during the annual harvest. Some suggest this is so today’s academics could project the waste of time of religiosity back onto their ancestors out of jealousy over their better quality of life, doing a native form of yoga ever morning and being at one with the fertile crescent. If neolithic farmers could watch TV they could sue for slander so everyone in 2019 doesn’t just think they were muppets who just worshipped all day with the occasional sacrifice.
One geophysicist working on a site on Salisbury Plain completely ignored a glaringly obvious layer of ancient pottery shards and other fragments underneath a white chalk layer visible all around the dig site to show the cameras the foot bone of a wild boar, well-known to graze at the time the carbon dating revealed people lived in that area.
What did they use this site for? The question was asked of an archeologist carefully digging up a bone covered in tooth marks? He informed us: “They worshiped a mysterious God that we believe was half pig half goat that was said to bring them enough luck that they could survive even when they couldn’t be arsed to tend the fields for days as people had arrived from Wales to do that. The tooth marks represent their ceremony of praying for food.”
Cheers went up nearby when a much older bone was unearthed carefully with a brush. It turns out to have been from 2 years before the carbon dating results. Due to its incredible level of preservation (they didn’t know what it was yet however) DNA has been taken to the lab for analysis and already everyone is incredibly excited. “This bone definitely comes from somebody working the land. They are just like me and could even be a bit like you.”. The bone turned out to be from an aurochs.
At Gobekli Tepe scientists from various universities have met to discuss our ancestors’ family tree. Even though it has been found, since 2008, that Europeans have some Neanderthal genome and Australian aborigines have traces of the Denisovans. Also, although the Chinese have had scientists looking for links back to a Homo Erectus skull found in a cave that disappeared around the time of the second world war, the gap in the record of Homo Heidelbergensis in Africa does not account for the split in our genus resulting in Neanderthals occupying the whole of the landmass from Spain to Siberia in the north and India in the south. A scientist from a well-funded British university confirmed: “Just one small group has given birth to everyone around the whole world from Australia to Alaska and it totally justifies racism and nationalism as inbreeding is obviously not a problem”.
The general reaction to the suggestion that Cro Magnon or modern human beings had a long time ago interbred with other branches of the human genus to create different looks – also determined by differences in diet, climate, conditions and the resulting gene mutations – and the similarity in faces between those in Siberia, Native Americans and Asians (with the one exception those living in the freezing temperatures of Siberia ate a diet of mostly meat, which, an anthropologist waved his hand aside at even a demur that this could account for the difference in their skin from those living in warmer climates with more vegetables, nutrients and minerals) was one of closed faces that said they had confirmed all their suspicions already thank you very much.
Our “expert” concludes “Don’t go using observation, common sense or instinct to start looking into these complicated matters. That guy Robert Wolff who write Original Wisdom An Ancient Way of Knowing was talking nonsense suggesting that human beings were once in such harmony with earth that they could understand things through talking to each other, keeping an open mind, watching the stars, listening and through shared dreams. What baloney? Using instincts, using common sense or making observations about the great obvious gaping gaps in our findings or the glaring contradictions from one statement to the next is just a distraction and you have plenty of people who are given money to tell you everything we want you think, I mean, what you need to know.” That settles it then.