I never learn. How many times have I joined a gym and only been a few times?
Business Model
If other people are like me, gyms are an amazing business model. If other people only join to use them regularly, or stay well clear if they don’t dig the atmosphere, here are some thoughts.
Induction
I’ve recently joined the best value gym ever for £15pcm. The staff are really nice and there’s even a fun pool. Not much fun when it’s crammed though. Actually, I haven’t just joined. I joined 2 months ago and been 3 times, or 2 times since my induction.
Mind Opens Up
At home I think I’d be bored at the gym pounding on the spot without scenery, but when I do exercise I feel great and my mind opens up. There are some things I would do, if I owned a gym:
1. Not have pounding music playing. What happened to choosing our own soundtracks?
2. I would have a separate room for people to do ‘neat, symmetrical, well performed little stretches’ in.
3. I would ban gymgon, or clipped names for moves, such as ‘curls’, ‘lunges’,’knee-drops’ or ‘crunches.’
4. I would ensure at least one TV screen pumped out back- to-back comedy. Laughter is the best medicine and would be a perfect way to relieve the tedium of moving for periods of time without going anywhere.
5. I would ask regulars how much weight they’ve lost to create a figure diagram for new people showing them what body changes to expect, according to how often they come. (Or would this expose some hidden truths?).
6. I would make it very easy for newcomers to find a class to join.
7. I would hold evening group sessions for people to work together over a selected circuit, following those ahead like on a golf course. This is on the premise that newcomers like me are put off by how solitary working out is. (Might be just me?).
8. Ideally, I would encourage regulars to buddy up with a newcomer to support them with reaching their fitness goals. As an incentive, I’d give buddies who entice newbies to come regularly a discount.
9. I would find an alternative way for newbies to learn how various machines work, without having to cram all the info in at their induction.
10. I would stick to machines I know how to use to get my exercise, that don’t cost money or ask my weight (well….maybe they know it too well), which also work outside: my legs.
Names for moves
Honestly, there were less names for disco dance moves in the 70s, and are less types of plastic surgery operations than names for exercise moves. Such as a ‘tuck’.
Gyms are not very inviting if you are unfit and/or overweight. Even nice ones like the one I go to. This is because of the atmophere that is inherent in work-out spaces. (only my opion from 6 or 7 gyms I’ve joined).
No Religion
It is almost as if exercising regularly can become a religion for devotees with its spirit lifting and mind clearing powers. Mood enhancement seems to be more addictive than losing weight which, for me, requires encouragement, entertainment and fresh air. Plus a nosh up afterwards (many a true word spoken…).
Fresh Air and Exercise
What happened to ‘fresh air and exercise’? Every time I join a gym, the great wellbeing feeling of exercising fades when I think of the solitary serious atmosphere. I’d much rather play tennis.
I’d enjoy gyms much more if I had someone to go with and chat to, or good telly to watch without the headswirl of pounding music sung by characterless strainers. Not everyone is inspired by music videos of people dancing sexually aggressive, elbow-jab, car-drive routines in sheep-like synch while screeching faux-emotion stylised cries and growls.
Profiting from my madness
When a gym creates the right mix of attributes to attract those of us who most need to use them (did any regulars start off overweight?) I’ll sign up and go. Until then, they can keep profiting from my madness in hoping the next one will suit me.
Dairy of A Nonny Moose 