facebook-funeralLONGER HOURS

As a contagion known as social media reaches all corners of the earth (despite it being round) a particularly viral strain has faced its match. The spreading of FB has circumnavigated all vaccinations, which include having an old Nokia handset and not surfing the Internet during working hours.

Now experts believe that a backlash is inevitable against FB so people can return to a better quality of life such as playing on their very expensive new games consuls.

The first signs of a person who has been hit by FB to an extent where culling is required is when they post up ‘I’ve had a Facebook cull so congratulations if you see this.’ What people who see this might want to ask themself is whether they are unknowingly effected by FB.


‘Only in 2008, people joined my Facebook page and then never seemed to respond, back in the day when I would say hi to an old school friend who’d added me,‘ says Jason Simpson of Tolpuddle, Somerset. He added, looking deeply disturbed, ‘funnily enough I’m great friends with my school bully, but my best friend from school never responded to me, so I deleted them.’

Today, as we reach the end of 2013, a mere year since the Mayans predicted the end of the world on 22 December 2012, people have gone from polite deleting to public cullings, which draw in crowds of hundreds to the massacres of Facebook friends.


In a new series of Blackudder, soon to be announced (people close to the source of this information leaked), which stars Blackudder as a recent Oxford graduate without a job or any skills (connections), who lives in a bedsit with his sidekick, Barry. The Talented Boldripley jumps onto his computer (he is a cat) and the words “I have a culling plan” appear on his Facebook status. This is believed to have started the meme theme.

Protesters have gathered in Silicone Valley and outside Facebook’s secret London office to protest about culling as they claim it isn’t necessary to stem the spread of FB by culling Facebook friends, to prevent people from returning to Friends Reunited as that won’t happen anyway. The virus, it seems, is well contained.


Medics have examined the remains of recent cullings and reported flocks of deleted Facebook friends flooding to Twitter. It seems to be a desperate last resort as you only get 140 characters per post. If these people don’t make interesting posts anyway, Twitter is unlikely to make things any easier for them, experts predict.

Joan Ofark, 87, who has recently joined Facebook to reunite with people she went to school with before the Second World War says ‘I’m lucky I’m still alive. Please help me find my friends from Wiltshire. Best start at the Bingo’.


The only way any strains of FB infections (staying up all night, losing your job) will not effect you, if you are worried about symptoms, is to follow the Wikipedia definition of culling.  Wikipedia says: “culling usually implies the killing of the removed animals.”

Sadly, for people who think culling is the newest diet fad, you will only succeed if you kill all the people you have removed from your friend list. Luckily, Facebook invented “Blocking” for that, so deleted friends can’t see what you’re saying about them.


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